The Power of a Single Word
Irish people have the reputation of being great talkers and story tellers. While it is true that we, as a nation, have a great way with words, it’s also true that many of us have the ability to talk a lot but are poor at seeking clarity if we don't understand what is said. It's easier to pretend that you understand what a person intended to communicate than to admit that you didn't get their meaning.
I'm not exaggerating when I say that even one word can potentially change the course of someone’s life for better or worse. The happiness generated by the word ‘Yes’ in answer to a proposal of marriage is in stark contrast to the hurt, devastation and disappointment if the offer of marriage is refused with a one word answer ‘No’.
Have you ever sent a text with a misprint that communicated a message you never intended? That’s exactly what happened to me one Christmas when I sent out a group text to family members. We were texting late on Christmas night. I felt tired and decided to opt out. The message I sent should have read, “Bed time this Christmas”. Instead it said, “Bad time this Christmas.” My daughter immediately sent out another text message, “I think she meant bed time, autocorrect”.
In a written text it's easy to accidentally hit a wrong key, for example type an 'a' instead of an 'e'. A single mistyped word can alter what you intended to communicate and give a very different message to the one intended. If a word is spelled correctly in a grammatically correct sentence the spell-checking facility will not alert you to the misprint.
So many misunderstandings happen in families because a communication is misunderstood. A misplaced letter or a mispronounced word can alter the meaning of a sentence. I have worked with people who experienced great improvements in their family relationships once they learned to say, "I'm not sure I understood that, can you tell me again please."
It’s easier to pick up a misprint in a text than to pick up a mispronounced word in a sentence. Either can give the wrong message without your knowing. Many people, who assume that they are good listeners, only half-listen and fail to pick up on this. Learning how to listen attentively and uncritically is a life-changing skill. In an earlier blog you learned why words mean what both the speaker and the listener think they mean.
Sometimes it's hard for people whose first language isn’t English to interpret a strong accent or to understand a joke based on words that sound the same but have different meanings. For example, the Indian lady was beautifully-dressed. I said, "That's a beautiful dress you're wearing!" She replied, "Sari." I said, "Well, don't be sorry, it looks fabulous on you!"
People have a real emotional response to what they believe to be true. A person who makes the assumption that people are laughing because they mispronounced a word may think that the joke is on them. The non-verbal communication of a person who has the freedom to say that they didn’t get the joke and ask for an explanation is 'I wish to be included please'.
The fear of admitting that we didn’t hear or were unable to understand what someone said is a huge impediment to effective communication. A person who is reluctant to ask someone to repeat what they said or admit that they didn’t hear or fully understand may choose to guess at what was meant. In those circumstances they have as much chance of being wrong as of guessing correctly.
The Irish are great people for the one word replies to the greeting “How are you?” answer “Grand”. “How’s it going?” answer “Fine”. “How was your day?” answer. “Okay”. In the normal social interaction these questions are not intended to glean information about the person’s state of health. Usually there is an expectation that the monosyllabic reply is what is expected. I say ‘usually’ because this is not always the case.
A woman may harbour resentment at a partner who takes a monosyllabic reply at face value when she is upset and needs her partner to be there for her. It's widely accepted that women are better at intuiting when someone is emotionally upset than men. They are more likely to sense when a comment such as "You don't sound okay" might be appropriate. In the next blog we will explore how misunderstandings occur because men and women process information differently.
Let me know what resonates most with you and what communication issues you would like to read about in the blog.
Email: carmel@carmelwynne.org
Words Mean What You Think They Mean.
Poet and philosopher Maya Angelou said that people may forget what you say but they will never forget how you made them feel. In this blog I want to explore why people are more likely to react to what they think you mean rather than to the message you intend to communicate.
There is a widespread assumption that if you and I speak the same language, we will attribute the same meaning to the words we use. We don't. You can understand every word I say to you and not get the message that I intend to communicate.
Do you know who I am speaking about if I say, "Can you believe what the president has just done?" Without a context you don't know if I mean the American President, the President of Ireland or the president of an organisation.
What makes effective communication complex is we do a lot of guessing about what a speaker means. If you and I are speaking about the same person we understand each other. If we are talking about different presidents we might not be aware that we were having two different conversations.
If you overheard two people speaking about a plane, how would you know if they were talking about a field or an aircraft? This may sound like a strange question. Do you really understand what a word such as 'love' means?
If you are like most people your answer to the question, "Do you know what the word love means" is likely to be ,"Of course I do." But I regret to tell you that may be a flawed belief. There is no universal meaning for a word such as 'love'.
It’s not my intention to upset you but to give you a reality check. I love reading, I love travel and vegetables. I’m using the word “love” to describe totally different experiences. Words have meaning in a context. What the word 'love' communicates will depend on who says the word and in what context it is heard.
Frequently listeners who assume they understand the meaning of the words they hear fail to get the message the speaker intends to communicate. Words have the meaning the listener gives to them. If a speaker has an accent that is difficult to follow, there is a good possibility that their words may be misunderstood or misinterpreted.
Effective communicators who have an in depth understanding of language usage pay close attention to what, in Neuro Linguistic Programming, are called conversational styles. V stands for visual, A for auditory and K for kinaesthetic when we talk about language styles.
Here is a brief overview. When I see your point of view I'm using visual language. If I hear what you say I'm using auditory language and if I feel moved by your words it's kinaesthetic communication.
The saying that you never get a second change to make a first impression is true. Whether you are aware of it or not, every person you interact with will have a real emotional response to you before you speak. If you want to make a good impression it is said that you should be better dressed than the best dressed person in the room.
You might assume that if a listener is intelligent and understands every word in a sentence, he or she will understand the message you intend to communicate if you choose your words carefully. That too may be a flawed belief.
Words matter but non-verbal communication conveys more that the words. I would never want to underestimate how important a speaker's words, pacing, vocal variety and gestures are in communicating clearly. Nor would I want you to underestimate the power of hearing and matching the communication style of a speaker.
If you want the audience to remember what you say, have clarity about how you want them to feel emotionally. Memorable speeches are memorable because they take people out of their heads to make an emotional connection with their hearts.
Let me know what resonates most with you and what communication issues you would like to read about in the blog.
Email: carmel@carmelwynne.org
Why Eye Contact Matters
In the blog last week I wrote about how differences in conversation styles can generate misunderstandings. Today I'm going to explain why the atmosphere between two people who are having a friendly conversation can cool in the blink of an eye.
Misunderstandings between people who love and care about each other happen all the time. One reason for this is that people are incredibly sensitive to facial expressions and eye-contact, whether they are aware of it or not.
Do you remember a time when you were speaking with someone and at first everything seemed pleasant? Then something suddenly changed and you sensed there was tension.
The atmosphere was no longer warm and friendly. Without knowing why, you felt slightly uncomfortable and ill-at-ease. The moment passed and you found yourself wondering what happened. You may even have asked yourself, "Did I imagine that?"
Trust me the coolness and hint of tension you felt was real. You may not be able to remember the topic of conversation. What you will remember is how you felt emotionally. Your perception that you didn't say or do anything to upset your friend may or may not be accurate.
Changes in eye-contact and facial expressions are totally unconscious reactions. They occur in a micro second, without any awareness on the person's part and the reaction they elicit in the other person will usually be outside their conscious awareness. If you break eye-contact for a split second you disengage from the conversation.
Many of us go through life without understanding that the majority of communication is non-verbal. There is a widespread, but flawed, assumption that if you can talk and have a good vocabulary you're a good communicator.
Life experience, and years of NLP training, has taught me that being a good speaker will not make one an effective communicator. Miscommunication, misunderstanding and misinterpretations cannot be avoided because effective communication is complex.
Most people are aware of the emotional reaction they have to the tone of a person's voice that sounds superior or sarcastic. Fewer are aware that words are only a tiny part of communication and that the majority of communication is non-verbal.
Some of us are tuned in to how we are affected by the tone of voice people use when they speak to us. Others are aware of their response to the words used. Almost everyone is aware of how they react to eye-contact and facial expressions.
Experts in body language believe that eye-contact is a sign of engagement. They have many explanations for the length of time you should hold eye-contact and for what breaking it means.
Some experts suggest that you should aim to make eye contact for 50% of the time you speak or 70% of the time you listen. Others suggest that if you hold eye contact for longer than four or five seconds you will make the other person feel uncomfortable.
If a person looks away intentionally it could mean that they feel sexual attraction, they may be self-conscious or, momentarily, they've lost interest and disengaged.
The experts have a great deal of information about how the groups of people they study respond and react. You are the only person who knows how you react and why you respond as you do.
No expert can tell what you are thinking when you are wondering why someone said something or looked at you a certain way. Only you can know how you feel when you engage in this kind of mind-reading.
Your emotional response to what you imagine others think and feel is real. If I look away when we are talking, your perception might be that I'm rude and disrespectful. What you feel is triggered by a thought, by the assumption you make about what motivated my action.
Blaming others for hurting our feelings breeds resentment and can turn a relationship toxic. In the blink of an eye a misunderstanding can happen because people who love and care about each other misinterprets a non-verbal communication or a facial expression.
I believe that misunderstandings between people who love and care about each other cannot be avoided. People respond emotionally to their own beliefs and assumptions. This is why misunderstandings are inevitable.
People unconsciously interpret and misinterpret verbal and non-verbal communication. They assume they react to what they see and hear. In reality their reactions are generated by what they think the other person is thinking, which may or may not be accurate.
Let me know what resonates most with you and what communication issues you would like to read about in the blog.
Email: carmel@carmelwynne.org
Conversation Styles
In the blog today I will make an effort to explain how easily misunderstandings occur. Linguist Deborah Tannen said, “Every time we open our mouth to speak, we are taking a leap of faith - faith that what we say will be understood by our listeners more or less as we meant it.”
As children we were told to ‘Say what you mean and mean what you say’. What we were not told is that misunderstandings occur when people have differences in their conversational styles. Jane and John worked for the same organisation. Invited to work together on a marketing project, their conversational styles generated a lot of tension in how they interacted. John's style of working was to initiate and jump into action. Jane liked to consider and consult before acting. Their different approaches to the task generated a great deal of friction and resentment.
John read their assignment and immediately made decisions about how they would work. Jane heard him say, 'I’ll contact the speakers and organise their hotel accommodation and flights.You can do the brochures and marketing and look for media coverage'.
Jane was furious that he took control and acted as if he were in charge of the project. She felt undermined and undervalued but she was outspoken and had no qualms about voicing her opinion. "That’s not okay with me," she said.
Jane would never have made any decisions on a team project without consultation with her co-workers. She spoke calmly when she told John this. Sharing how she felt was Jane’s way of bonding and showing respect. Her non-verbal communication was that if he were acting professionally they would have had a discussion and agreed a strategy.
Jane felt she communicated clearly when she let John know what she expected if they were to work as a team. John pointed out that he had already worked with three of the speakers. He had good contacts in the hotel industry. Her expertise was in marketing and it was never his intention to undermine her, to expect her to carry out his instructions.
John was frustrated at what he perceived as Jane's lack of logic. "What would you do differently?" he asked. She explained that she would have consulted him and asked him, "What areas do you want to deal with?" John replied, "I don’t understand why you are complaining. I’d have told you that I wanted to look after the speakers, hotels and flights."
People are frequently unaware that the effects of their different conversational styles and actions, a facial expression or how an answer is worded may be misunderstood or misinterpreted and cause unintended frustration, hurt and in extreme cases a breakdown in work relationships.
The research of leading neuroscientists show there are brain differences between men and women’s conversational styles. Women find it easy to multi-task and believe that talking and sharing personal information is bonding and supportive. Men tend to find it hard to follow the multi-stranded conversation of women. They switch off and go silent when they are unable to follow the logic in a conversation.
Wouldn’t it be wonderful if all of the people with whom we interact were
aware of how easily miscommunication occurs? What makes communication complex is that the same people have different conversational styles and different patterns of behaviour in different context.
Many of us believe that if you haven't something good to say, don't say anything. When we remain silent we are communicating non-verbally. What we don't say can give a powerful message that was never intended.
Eva, Jane and Mary went out to lunch. Jane asked, "Is your jacket new?" Eva said, "Yes." Mary knew from past experience how sensitive Eva was and fearful of saying the wrong thing she made no comment. Eva took her silence as an unspoken criticism, and asked "What don’t you like about it Mary?"
Before Mary could answer, Eva turned to Jane and said, "Mary likes none of my clothes. Actually I think this is a stylish jacket, I’m just not sure if it’s my colour." Eve's tendency to make assumptions about what Mary was thinking, and then speak about it as it were true, left Jane in a no win situation.
Avoiding conflict in social situation may be a wise decision but it is also a short term solution. Misunderstandings that generate upset feelings damage relationships and many of us have learned that it is easier to 'put up and shut up' rather than make the effort to explain what we meant.
Let me know what resonates most with you and what communication issues you would like to read about in the blog
Email: carmel@carmelwynne.org
Understand Why Communication is Complex
Understanding the power your words have to communicate a meaning you never intended is a fascinating topic for any blog. I chose the name Wynneing Words for this Blog because my name is Carmel Wynne and my friends tell me I have a way with words.
To complete a Toastmasters project I am to “write a compelling blog” What better topic to choose to write about than the communication problems that occur in families and business organisations.
Other bloggers may aspire to use blogging as an efficient and effective form of communication for reaching people around the globe. My goal is to use this blog to give family, friends and fellow Toastmasters practical information about how easily misunderstandings happen and words are misinterpreted.
The meaning of communication is the response you get. If you are not getting the response you want, it might be that you didn't use the right words or it could be a host of other reasons that I will tell you about in the blogs.
Let me begin to explain why miscommunication is so common. No one teaches you to pay attention to non-verbal communication. Did anyone ever tell you why you would benefit from learning to listen beyond the words in order to hear the whole communication?
It’s not the failure to listen but the failures to hear and understand non-verbal communication that is at the core of almost every row, misunderstanding and dispute when a person is accused of misinterpreting what was said or of not listening.
I once gave a speech to my club titled, 'Listening, half-listening and hearing'. The requests I received for a copy of that speech encouraged me to tell you about it in this blog.
The popular belief is that there are only two elements to communication - talking and listening. There are 3: talking, listening and hearing. Misunderstandings frequently occur because people who are only half-listening fail to hear the intended message.
We are told that we should listen twice as much as we speak. Researchers who specialise in the study of communication found that beyond checking that our hearing is healthy, most people never learn to listen beyond the words to hear the non-verbal communication.
If you’re scanning the newspaper while the other person is talking you’re half-listening. If your mind is on how to reply you’re half-listening. If you’re thinking of what to say next, you’re half-listening. This means you only pick up on part of the communication.
Most of us wrongly assume that listening and hearing are identical. They’re not. If you’re not giving your full attention to a speaker you can miss a pause or a change in their tone of voice and either can completely alter the meaning of the communication.
To hear the intended message requires your full, undivided attention, to words, tonality, pauses, eye contact, facial expressions and body language.
I’m making an educated guess that you can remember a time when you felt wrongly accused of not listening. Even though you were able to repeat word for word what the speaker said you were told you were not listening.
Perhaps you believed you listened but the other person's perception was that you failed to hear and understand them. A pause or a change in the tone of voice can completely alter the meaning of the communication.
You understand both words in the instruction 'Don't stop'. It's the tone of voice used to give the instruction that allows you to hear what the words mean.
It's so easy to miss pauses or a change in the tone of a voice both of which have the potential to give a sentence the completely opposite meaning. A tiny lapse in concentration can make the difference that makes the difference.
If someone accuses you of not listening, never, never, never, attempt to defend yourself. Simply apologise. Say something like, “I’m so sorry. What did you want me to hear that I missed?”
Trust me: understanding more about communication will make an enormous difference to your personal, social and professional relationships. Effective communication is what makes good relationships into great relationships.
I hope that this will allow you to develop an awareness of why no-fault misunderstandings occur between people who love and care about each other.
Let me know what resonates most with you and what communication issues you would like to read about in the Wynneing Ways blog.
Email: carmel@carmelwynne.org
